#16 - On Expectations for Fathers

Or, how society shorts mothers

“Study of God the Father” (1515) by Raphael

“Great job, dad!” was what I heard in passing from an older guy when I was walking with Michael and Sophie (strapped to me in a carrier) to a family event in downtown Los Angeles a few months ago.

I said thank you and smiled, but inside I was bewildered. All I had to do to earn my top dad award was to walk with my kids? Did I really want to be part of a club that would have me as a member? And that wasn’t the first time this sort of thing has happened. I get regular “atta-boys” for such pedestrian activities. Are expectations for fathers so low that simply existing in a place with kids is an act that deserves praise?

For instance, back when Sophie was just out of her “bread loaf” stage, I took her and Michael to the pirate ship playground at the Century City mall. As I sat sipping coffee near Sophie in her stroller while Michael played, a couple out with their toddler couldn’t believe that I was out by myself with two kids! I shrugged: “My wife does this all the time!”

“Father and Son” (2005) by Louise Bourgeois

See, while I’m out their catching compliments for breathing, Ashley, who is a wonderful mother, has never received random praise while out and about with the kids, not even once. On the contrary, she was once accosted by an insane neighbor who heard the kids crying when they returned home from a drive. Michael and Sophie had just woken up in the car and were understandably cranky — a very normal situation for toddlers. But instead of staying in her house and minding her own business (or asking “How can I help?”) this busybody idiot scurried out to the parking lot, whipped out her cell phone and began filming Ashley, all the while berating her. To Ashley’s immense credit (and infinite patience), she made it home without maiming this lady.

I’d love to say that this was an isolated occurrence, but it’s not. It’s an exemplar of how mothers are judged when they’re out in public with anything but perfectly behaved kids. A toddler with his mother throws a tantrum in the store? What a terrible mom! The same thing happens with a dad? He’s trying so hard! The imbalance wildly irrational; Moms are expected to win a gold medal every moment while dads are raking in trophies for participation!

“Father Frost” (1912) by Nicholas Roerich

Why is this? Who’s at fault for these nonsensical standards? Some people say that it’s other moms who tear down their peers (or their daughters). Maybe that’s true. But I think it’s wider than that. I’m a member of some online men’s groups and a great many men out there are not at all comfortable with an egalitarian approach to gender roles and marriage — they cling to tradition: Men are supposed to work out in the world and women run the home. Taking on that worldview, it follows that a man who is taking his kids to an event by himself is earning extra credit, while a women doing the same thing is just doing her job (even when she has a career). A man isn’t expected to be adept at handling a screaming baby, but a women who can’t quiet a child is incompetent. It all makes sense!

Even those of us who exist in a more progressive mode hold to some of those social schemas ascribing intersecting qualities to the role of a “father” as it relates to the definition of “man” and “mother” as it relates to “woman”. They are social schemas precisely because while we may not adhere to these definitions ourselves or see them for our families, we unconsciously overlay them on others and respond to the dissonance of having those schemas violated. Reaction to those discordant psychological notes is explicitly shown in Dorothy Canfield Fisher’s excellent children’s novel, The Home-maker, the story of a mother and father who switch places, finding that their new roles agree with them even if it shocks the neighbors.

“Father and Daughter” (1997) by Miriam Schapiro

When I picked Michael up from school on Thursday, he eagerly presented me with a wrapped gift that he had made. “Happy Father’s Day!” he said. I was deeply touched and told him I would open it at home. At 4, this is the first year that Michael is old enough to understand Father’s Day and craft a gift in the right spirit. At home, he explained each sticker on the #1 dad pennant and I felt like he was really thinking of me when he made it. A small addition to an old chestnut: It’s thought that counts… especially when it’s tied to an action.

Michael and Sophie are growing up in a household where both their mother and father work, do housework, and care for them. We commemorate both Mother’s and Father’s Day, and I think that, as much as they can at their ages, they appreciate each of us. Likewise, I have a unique view to the distinctive effort that Ashley puts into being a brilliant mom even if randos on the street don’t tell her so. So on their behalf, I’m going to take this moment to say “Rock on, Ashley!” It wouldn’t be a happy fathers day if we didn’t celebrate it together.

Here’s looking at you…